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(Tiger, his wife Elin, their 2 supercute kids, and 2 dogs.) As a woman, I know I’m supposed to be horrified/infuriated/aghast at any man who dares cheat on the mother of his kids after speaking those marital vows before God and all that…. And I do think Tiger cheating is tacky. But we all have strong points and weaknesses. For Tiger, his golf talent is history-making, record-setting strong. And his charity work is life-changing strong. But…on the weak side, Tiger is not, umm, blessed with what the kids call, “swag.” Also… he seems to have a weakness for waitresses. Which brings us to today’s climax in The Passion of Tiger:

Picture 18Picture 6 (Tiger’s Caddy truck meets tree….right, one of his alleged mistresses, Rachel Uchitel)

Late Thanksgiving night, Tiger gently-crashed his SUV into his neighbor’s tree and fire hydrant. The circumstances were weird: he wasn’t drunk, he wasn’t driving fast enough to trigger the airbag, he was on the ground, barely conscious, (and barefoot (?!?), with a bloody lip. His wife Elin Nordegren-Woods was there, freaking out, she claimed she broke the back window with a golf club to get Tiger out. But after a trip to the hospital, both Tiger and his wife shut their traps and refused to talk to cops. (Background: In 2004, Tiger and Elin had a $1.5 million dollar wedding in Barbados. They met while Elin was a nanny for one of Tiger’s pro-golf-buddies.) Cue the hijinks….An NYC club waitress/doorwoman named Rachel Uchitel in NYC was allegedly bonking Tiger. Her friends betrayed her and sold the story to the National Enquirer. Rachel denied it but quickly got lawyered up. Many speculated that Elin had attacked Tiger over his cheating. Then yesterday, another waitress popped up, Jaimee Grubs, claiming to be Tiger’s mistress since 2007. And she had text messages and a voicemail to prove it (of course she did). Cue the cringeworthy evidence…

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(two photos of Tiger’s other mistress: Jamiee Grub, reality tv “star” and cocktail waitress)

Jaimee, who appeared on VH1’s “Tool Academy” (of course she did), said she met Tiger while working at the LA’s Stone Rose….and that within 2 days of meeting, they had at least 20 sexual episodes. *giggle* Tiger Woods flexed his mojo with text messages like “I will wear you out…when was the last time you got laid?” And this passionate prose: “Send me something very naughty…Go to the bathroom and take [a photo].” *heave* Once, Tiger called Jaimee and begged her to uh, ixnay on her voicemail greeting-ay… 1202_tiger.mp3

*smacks forehead with palm* Picture 4

Which brings us to this morning….Unable to hack this ball out of the rough, Tiger manned up (and increased his web traffic) with this blog post: “I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves… I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone… But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me…Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions…” (full statement after the jump)

[UPDATE: According to the Sun-Times, Tiger's wife Elin is being paid 7 figures to not leave him right now, and lawyers are amending the couple's pre-nup to shorten the time that Elin would have to stay married to Tiger in order to qualify for her $20 million settlement. Before, she'd have to be married for 10 years. Now, who knows. Oh, and also, Tiger and Elin are in "intense" counseling.]

So, there you have it…but while I was reading up on this, it seems like this Rachel Uchitel’s lifestory goes a bit deeper, after the jump. PLUS: the Chinese animated version of the Tiger drama. Unrelated to this Tiger situation….but equally fascinating:

Is Tiger’s mistress Rachel Uchitel, the same Rachel who was profiled in the NY Times “Vows” wedding section? Because what a story it was: On Sept. 11, 2001, a man named Steven goes to the World Trade Center to interview for a job at Cantor Fitzgerald. He leaves the building, and sees the first plane hit it from a few blocks away. Later, he sees a photo in the news of a woman crying and searching for her fiance. He recognizes the woman as his old classmate, Rachel Uchitel. She didn’t get confirmation of her fiance’s death until 2002. And in 2003, Rachel and Steven re-connect and get married in 2004. But by 2005, Rachel looks a bit different and is the doorwoman at NY scenester restaurant Tao?

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(Rachel after the 9/11 tragedy….and Rachel at her wedding 3 years later) Picture 7

(Rachel as a NY nightlife expert)

Tiger’s full statement: “I have let my family down and I regret those transgressions with all of my heart. I have not been true to my values and the behavior my family deserves. I am not without faults and I am far short of perfect. I am dealing with my behavior and personal failings behind closed doors with my family. Those feelings should be shared by us alone. Although I am a well-known person and have made my career as a professional athlete, I have been dismayed to realize the full extent of what tabloid scrutiny really means. For the last week, my family and I have been hounded to expose intimate details of our personal lives. The stories in particular that physical violence played any role in the car accident were utterly false and malicious. Elin has always done more to support our family and shown more grace than anyone could possibly expect. But no matter how intense curiosity about public figures can be, there is an important and deep principle at stake which is the right to some simple, human measure of privacy. I realize there are some who don’t share my view on that. But for me, the virtue of privacy is one that must be protected in matters that are intimate and within one’s own family. Personal sins should not require press releases and problems within a family shouldn’t have to mean public confessions. Whatever regrets I have about letting my family down have been shared with and felt by us alone. I have given this a lot of reflection and thought and I believe that there is a point at which I must stick to that principle even though it’s difficult. I will strive to be a better person and the husband and father that my family deserves. For all of those who have supported me over the years, I offer my profound apology.” (spotted on TMZ)

One last thing….I hope Tiger can fix this up with his family and get back to golf, but hats off to the Chinese news agency that actually computer animated an recreation of the car crash scandal. Wow.