(*on pop radio)

Confession: I have never watched The Hills, Laguna Beach, The City, or anything else featuring Heidi Montag, Spencer Pratt, or anyone friends with Speidi Montag-Pratt. In fact, my sheer human survival instinct warned me as soon as I looked at the Pratt’s asymmetrical mug, that he was a threat to civilization. He and his wife look shifty and obnoxious.

So, I angrily resisted when JLaPuma and the Complex boys went nuts over their chat with the Pratt. But its time I sacrifice my sanity for my readers. Its not about me. So….I read the Pratt vs. Complex. And I read the Pratt vs. XXL. And…I laughed.

And I listened to The Pratt’s new song “I’m a Celebrity”…(which is clearly the new theme song for NBC’s upcoming “I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here” reality show, starring Speidi, former NBA star John Salley (huh?), American Idol embarrassment Sanjaya, etc.)….and I’m so sorry…but…. it wasn’t as horrific as I know it should be.

(I feel like I just failed the eye-test in “I Am Legend” and I should be locked in the infected pen and left to die)

Spencer Pratt “I’m a Celebrity” (produced by Steve Morales)


Key Quotes:

The Pratt in Complex:

Complex: I saw that you’re trying to reach out to OJ Da Juiceman for him to get a verse on a Morales-produced track.

Spencer Pratt: Yeah, I’m trying to get him on my first real single because “I’m A Celebrity” is not my single. That’s just my marketing tool for the show. My first single, I just want to have me, Gucci Mane, and OJ Da Juiceman. It’ll be the flyest song in the game. I’m going to track them down, that’s my priority today.

More destruction of Western Civilization, courtesy of The Pratt after the jump….

Complex: Who’s rapping career would you use as a blueprint for yourself?

Spencer Pratt: I think I’m the future of hip-hop. You know, I feel bad for saying that. That’s unfortunate, but that’s a fact. You can’t compare my model of hip-hop with what I’m about to come out with versus anything in the game. You know I’ll take the Diddy route. I’m not a lyrical MC, I’m just like Diddy. Look what it did for him? He is still balling…

Complex: Now, Jay-Z had Memphis Bleek has a hypeman. Would Brody Jenner be your hypeman?

Spencer Pratt: Nah. A person who has a show called Bromance can’t be in on this clique.

Complex: You think that would hurt street cred?

Spencer Pratt: The Bromance show definitely hurts my street cred, so I’ll definitely distance myself from Brody as a hypeman. I’ll be pretty much be the first rapper/hypeman. I would take on both roles. I would wear both shoes. I’ll hype myself before I start rapping. I’ll get on the mic and be like, “Who is hotter than me in the game? No one.”

Complex: Interesting…

Spencer Pratt: The bottom line is, if every single platinum song right now wasn’t auto-tuned, then I would be like, “I can’t be a rapper.” The fact that I could get up to perfect pitch just like Kanye West now, and T-Pain, it’s an even playing field. I don’t have to have talent. I just need to have auto-tune and be allowed to have the hottest track in the game, and my swag.

The Pratt in XXL:

XXL: So who are your rap influences?

SP: Right now to be honest Asher Roth. Once I heard him on Kiss FM when I was hearing him on Ryan Seacrest, I was like, “Oh my God, if this guy is on the radio I need to start rapping.” I’m about to be so platinum. This is a joke, God bless his heart. I went to high school with literally like I said 30 Asher Roths in Santa Monica and you know it’s hilarious that that’s what rap’s come to. I feel bad for the game. I’ve been the biggest hip-hop fan. I never thought I would have to go in and save the game, be the white hope in the game, but it’s happening. My calling is here.

XXL: So you’re not a fan of Asher Roth I take it?

SP: No, no, I mean I’m a fan of people that get money. And he’s obviously getting a couple songs. I think he broke top 10 iTunes so that’s a couple checks so I’ll respect anybody getting a check.

XXL: What you think about Eminem’s new album?

SP: I mean to be honest, I was the biggest Eminem fan, like huge Emimen fan but I was disappointed. I think when you lose the grind and hustle that I have right now at like 25, just get my fame shining as bright as he was when writing his best stuff you just have a whole different energy. And then when you got $300 million or whatever in the bank and you just chilling and you just wanna go and make a statement and you just go put out a track or two with Dre it’s just a different sound, so obviously he’s a lyrical genius-I’m not about to be trying to battle one of the founders of white hip-hop for me – but I’m not too amped on him. I’m feeling Nick Cannon over Eminem right now.

XXL: What are you going to rap about the mean streets of Hollywood?

SP: I mean- you know what- I’m rapping about—you know what honestly inspired me to rap when I read that Jay-Z said that rapping about being gangster is irrelevant. When I heard that I was like “hey what are you doing?” His last album was American Gangster. Like, this whole world is so gangster right now. How are you saying that man? You just make $500 million off of being a gangster. I mean I not saying I’m the new white gangster rapper but I’m just saying I’m ruthless, I’m disobedient. I don’t have rules. Everyone hates me. I’m more hated than Eminem was in his prime so why wouldn’t I get on the Steve Morales smash, trash Puerto Rican, you know straight from the hood pop bottles, you know?

XXL: Who’s producing? Steve who?

SP: Steve Morales. He did “Pop Bottles” for Lil Wayne and Birdman. And that’s another thing what is gangster rap right now? Now that I’m in hip-hop, I read your magazine, I’m always like, what’s up with Lil Wayne kissing Birdman, what’s up with people be cops secretly? How is a cop also—are they just crooked cops? Is that it? I don’t get that. I also don’t understand—there’s just so many things in hip-hop that are just like—Spencer Pratt can go in hip-hop. Like the rules changed there’s no more Tupac and Biggie, you feel me?

XXL: So did you grow up with hip-hop? Or you just kind of like a newcomer?

SP: All I listened to was just Wu-Tang really just in high school. Just angry Wu-Tang, going to soccer games fired up ready to wild out on people.

So…..Am I actually agreeing with this Pratt about things like Jay-Z, Wu-Tang and Asher Roth? Is this happening?

*prepares for kamikaze fight with fellow zombies to save the last un-infected humans*