No one I know has been on twitter for 5 years, but the site itself just celebrated it’s 5th anniversary with this hilarious parody of a Ken-Burns-documentary on Funny Or Die. It’s the creepy dad from “Twin Peaks”!

It’s next to impossible to piece together the early history of twitter simply because there were not nearly enough tweets about it at the time. What we do know is that Ashton Kutcher invented twitter in the year 2006. Then a bunch of hipster and nerds blew that ish up…at South by Southwest…

(Also, Soulja Boy didn’t completely ruin this with his cameo. Incroyable!)

But the reality of twitter’s stats is just as entertaining….because we are scary in our obsession with this thing…

For example: The record number of Tweets sent Per Second (TPS) hit a record high on the day that Michael Jackson died in 2009….but just 2 years later, what was the new record for Tweets Per Second?

see after the jump…

Twitter’s 5th Anniversary Stats:
* 3 years, 2 months and 1 day. The time it took from the first Tweet to the billionth Tweet.
* 1 week. The time it now takes for users to send a billion Tweets.
* 50 million. The average number of Tweets people sent per day, one year ago.
* 140 million. The average number of Tweets people sent per day, in the last month.
* 177 million. Tweets sent on March 11, 2011.
* 456. Tweets per second (TPS) when Michael Jackson died on June 25, 2009 (a record at that time).
* 6,939. Current TPS record, set 4 seconds after midnight in Japan on New Year’s Day.

[So the current record is almost 14 times bigger than the record set less than 2 years earlier. WTF! Is this kind of growth sustainable? Or is the shark getting in line for Twitter to jump it?]
Unrelated: I also enjoyed this random Funny Or Die skit featuring Janeane Garofalo, Zoe Saldana and Kate Bosworth. And the guy from “Heros”.